Fields of Lilies
by Scarlet Flowers
Summary: Remus and Lily meet for dinner on his birthday. He is still desperately in love with her, even though she is with James. Can he finally let go of his first love?


_A warm, summer night... the moon bright enough to guide anyone making their way through the land... two figures sitting under a tree... lying under a tree... the smell of humid air and flowers... flowers... a particular flower... a scent he cannot recall..._

In the distance of his dream, a loud buzzing awoke Remus Lupin. Sleepily, he groped for his alarm clock and shut it off. For a moment, he lay in bed, absorbing what was left of his dream before getting up. It came to him nearly every night now. During his conscious hours, he could shut out his memories, but his unconscious mind had other plans. Rubbing his eyes, he silently wished that it would go away. It was the most wonderful dream he had ever had.

Grudgingly, Remus stood up and stretched. A calendar across the room caught his eye. _March 9. One day until my birthday._ Dismissively, Remus walked into the bathroom and began disrobing for his shower. His birthday wasn't important to him anymore. It would only remind him of how little he had accomplished. Twenty-two, and still unable to find a proper wizarding job. Nobody wanted him. He was blacklisted throughout the community. He was a werewolf, even more undesirable than a goblin. The only plans he had for his birthday were the plans he had for every one of his days. He would wake up, go to work, come home, and spend another night reading until he fell asleep. Sirius lived with him, but he would never remember an old friend's birthday over his women and a night on the town. With a pang of loneliness, Remus wished he had a woman who loved him for what he was. _Maybe then I would feel like celebrating my birthday._

The day progressed as he thought it would. Remus worked until the late afternoon, stacking books at the nearby library. By the time he came home, Sirius was already out, having left a hastily scribbled note on the kitchen table. At the window, an owl was pecking furiously. Remus crossed the room and allowed the creature to enter. She was small and speedy, the type used for express mailings. Efficiently, she dropped her letter on the table, cooed, and flew back out the window.

Curiously, Remus picked up the envelope. _For me!_ Anxiously, he ripped it open and pulled out the parchment. It was expensive-looking, thick and smelling of

_Lilies._

With a heavy sigh, Remus sat down at the table before reading the letter. What did she want with him? Letting go was not made any easier by her reentrance every few months.

_Dear Remus,_

_Hello, how have you been? It has been ages since I have seen you, and I miss you terribly. Imagine, the both of us living in London and seldom seeing one another. Things have just really taken off in my life since I got my position at the Ministry. James and I are just thrilled with our jobs. It is exactly what we have always wanted._

_I looked at the calendar this morning, and realized that your birthday is tomorrow. I would love to see you, if you do not have plans. How does dinner sound? 6 pm at The Leaky Cauldron? I know, it's not the best, but it's a place that feels like home. Don't bother with responding. It's my own fault if I'm alone for not mailing this any sooner. I hope to see you tomorrow, and if I don't, have a marvelous birthday._

_Give my best to Sirius._

_Always, _

_Lily Evans_

For a while, Remus read the letter over and over, absorbing every word as the scent of lilies wafted around him. Some of the words and phrases seemed to glue themselves to his heart, filling him with a strong feeling of happiness. _I miss you. feels like home. you. always._ Others struck an opposite chord with him, flooding him with guilty anger he could not understand. _James and I. thrilled. what we have always wanted._

Cursing out loud, Remus shoved the letter back in the envelope. He could not stand how Lily could bring out the best and the worst of him, all in one foul swoop. He had purposely avoided any meeting with either Lily or James because of the sick anger it made him feel. It made him feel too guilty, hating the best friend he had ever had for selfish reasons.

_But, of course, I'm going._

The night that followed was a sleepless one. He found himself contemplating ways to win her over, while becoming horrified with these thoughts at the same time. He worried about what he looked like, and what the state of his life was like. She was an auror, and in a serious relationship. He was an assistant at a library who dated only a handful of times a year.

He wondered what she looked like now, and if she had changed. Christmas seemed like it had been years past. He wondered if it was all pity or if

_she feels something more_

His stomach was sick and he could not eat all day. At work, he barely did anything, mindlessly stacking books on the wrong shelf. Feigning illness, Remus went home early to get ready. His best robe was actually nice at that time, having been a Christmas present from his mother. Putting it on, he attempted to straighten up his hair before leaving. Right before leaving, he stared straight into the mirror. Under his eyes sat two black semicircles, there even in the best days of the lunar cycle. He was very pale, his dark brown hair sitting starkly against his forehead. Every part of his appearance exuded the characteristics of one that was not doing very well in any way.

_This is what I am. It's her choice to accept it or not._

Fear rushed into Remus in the few seconds it took him to apparate. London rushed past him in a series of colors and shapes as he moved from his flat to The Leaky Cauldron. His heart beat faster as he grew closer... closer...

Suddenly, the restaurant appeared around him. Remus moved quickly from the designated apparition point so others could move through. Acutely, he scanned the patrons for a flash of red hair. She wasn't there yet. Remus walked quickly into the men's room. The dirty, water-spotted mirror reflected the image of a tired, nervous man. Remus took deep breaths and stared at his own eyes. "Relax. You can do this."

Having recollected himself, Remus walked back into the pub with his temporary confidence. And there she was, standing near the door, scanning the faces around her for his own.

For a minute, he stood there, taking her in. Judging from the raindrops sitting on her cloak, she had walked. Her hair was shorter now, but still twinkled red in the lights. And the eyes, those green beams that had enchanted him at the age of fifteen, still grabbed a hold of him and imprisoned him. He couldn't move from his spot at the edge of the bar. Her beauty had glued his tattered shoes to the floor.

She continued looking, and finally, their eyes locked. A smile appeared on her face, reaching to her eyes, and she moved quickly across the room. Remus noticed every set of male eyes on her as she moved past, wondering who she was there for.

Lily reached him, smiling with excitement. In a trance, he smiled back. "Remus! How are you! Happy birthday!"

Her arms wrapped around his body, pulling him into a tight hug. Automatically, Remus responded and put his arms around her slender body. Her hair, so close to him, sent him into a field of lilies. Electricity buzzed through him from the point of contact between their skin. He was suddenly happy again. Their bodies so close... it almost seemed genuine to him.

Pulling away, Lily still held onto Remus' arms. Beaming, she said, "Oh, I've just missed you _so much_."

The words cut into Remus, killing the euphoric buzz she had given him, and yet, he could not figure out why.

Together, they chose a small, secluded table near the back. Her eyes did not move from Remus once, It was positively unnerving for him. They sat silently, staring at one another, and then placed their orders with the bored-looking waitress.

Awkwardly, Remus spit out, "I've missed you too, Lily."

With understanding, Lily searched his eyes. "I know."

Small talk was made. Remus tried his best to sound like he was really happy. Lily talked about her job, but not too much. There were too many strangers around who could have been listening. Their eyes never left one another once.

The food arrived, but Remus could not ear. His tongue was too full with the things he wanted to tell her. _I miss you. I can't help but dream about you. I'm not happy unless I'm with you. What we had meant more to me than anything else in my life. I love you still. I wish you would love me._

Gently, Lily reached across the table and took Remus' hand. "Are you okay?"

"Fine."

She nodded, but the look of concern did not leave her eyes. _Damn you for knowing me too well._ She did not let go of his hand.

There was silence, and Remus knew that he had to be the one to break it. Asking the question he knew he had avoided, he said, "How's James?"

Lily held a finger as she finished chewing, taking a longer time than was necessary. She swallowed, and then took a long drink of her firewhiskey martini. Her eyes hung heavy with nerves and guilt. Remus' heart beat faster. _What could it possibly be?_

"Remus... I need to tell you... James and I... are getting married." Forcibly, Lily smiled and pulled her left hand up from under the table, revealing a sparkling diamond Remus had somehow missed. "See? Isn't it gorgeous?"

Remus felt his heart drop onto the floor. Suddenly, he felt like he might get sick, right there and then. They were getting married. It was really, truly over this time. There would be no more fights and breakups, and concurrent makeups. There would never be a time when he would open his door and see her, brokenhearted and looking for a place to stay. There would be no more midnight talks. There would be no more love underneath the trees. It was all gone.

"When?" he asked gruffly, making no attempt to hide his feelings.

"July." She didn't say anything more, as if she knew everything he was going through. _You don't know the half of it. You don't really know me, at all._ His heart sank, because he knew that she did.

He couldn't take it anymore. Just being with her and staring at her magnet eyes was salt on his wounds. Hearing about their happy, perfect life together was enough to kill him. Hearing about her perfect life without him was enough to kill. Rising to get up, he said loudly, "Well, I hope you two are very happy together. Thank you for dinner. Good night, Lily."

"Remus!" she shouted after his retreating back. Her voice stopped him cold in his tracks. He turned to look at her, and his heart dropped again. Tears were running down her cheeks, pooling up on her collar. Her cheeks were flushed red from the hysterics. Compulsively, he sat back down and took her hand.

Whispering, he said, "What do you want me to say, Lily? What do you want me to do? I love you. I have since we were fifteen. And you know it. When I close my eyes at night, all I see is us. All I dream about is you, and that night. You're the only one I have ever wanted, and I mean nothing to you. _What do you want me to say?_"

Harsh sobs escaped from Lily's chest. "That's... not... true," she managed to say. Her hand squeezed his.

"Then what is it, Lily? I can't live like this anymore. You're with James, but you're still holding onto my heart as if it belongs to you. Do you want me or not? I need to hear it from you. I need it so that I can let you go."

Lily cried some more, putting obvious effort into calming down. "Remus...," she hesitated. "I do love you. I never stopped. I will never, ever stop caring for you. We just... can't be together. We are too alike, too much of the same person. It would never work out. You know that. And, of course, there's James," she added defensively.

Remus rubbed her hand with his thumb. When he let go, he knew it would mean letting go forever. "You always know where to find me, Lily..."

She leaned forward and kissed him. It was not a kiss between friends. It was not a kiss between lovers. It was theirs. As his lips felt hers for what he knew would be the last time, his heart was able to put the love away. It was not gone, but it would never haunt him again. It really was the end.

Pulling away, Lily looked into his eyes, her long lashes still wet with tears. "You were my first," she whispered. It had more meaning to the both of them than anyone else would ever be able to understand.

With one final squeeze, Lily let go of his hand, while letting his heart out of her grip. She stood and left quickly, turning back only once, leaving Remus with a vacant table and a vacant heart.

"And you'll be my last," he whispered into the emptiness.


End file.
